Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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