shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
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all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me