he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.