How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
