haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
