And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
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in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
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Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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