Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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