My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?