My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
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In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges