I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
