I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Holy shit dude........stairs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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