I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
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do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.