There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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