Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
