I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize