If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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