jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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