guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
