I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
