Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
