eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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