Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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