had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We were destined to go to rehab together
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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