True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
