someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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