I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
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Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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