Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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