You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
