Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
