you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.