you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
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Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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