as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
