Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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