She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
