Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
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Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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