Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Come on in and take your pants off
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