You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
