theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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