I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize