I can tuck mytits in my pants
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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