please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
oh god was she eating orange peels again
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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