I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
being pregnant is like rehab
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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