i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
false alarm, still single
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
