So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Is it because I queefed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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