i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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