what day is it and did you see me today?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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