I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
this is an emotional support booty call
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
