Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.