the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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