I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Pooping to opera.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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