i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
